I can’t decide where to start from.
So since last night was the first of its kind, let me start with that.
I could never have expected you to offer yourself to look after me or be with me while I am sick in the hospital, especially after all that has been going on between us. You gave me love, care, affection…everything that I needed since years in just a night.
The best part of this whole episode was that you followed up, wrote back, kept following through this time, rather than walking away once and then gone for months, leaving me confused and baffled.
You don’t talk much mostly whenever we meet and if you do, the conversations are incoherent, one sided and mechanical. I keep listening even then and also when at times talk meaningful things like last night. I listen intently but I have a need to talk too. You don’t let me comment on anything, stop me midway saying this would lead to an argument. It has always been a one way communication which can’t ideally be called communication.
So my need to share and talk remains unsatisfied and it manifests itself through long messages that I write to you, once you leave. And they keep pouring one after another as my answers to all your comments and statements. So while I patiently hear you, you don’t have the stamina to take my answers even through texts. You complain and you get frustrated and you misunderstand them because again it’s a one way communication and not the best way to interact.
Then you move away. And you’re gone for months with no interaction. Suddenly you emerge again out of the blue and from nowhere and we start this sequence all over again. You make promises to meet again, you offer to live together, you also start your one sided statements and it goes on.
I took a stance a year back and decided this should end and I did it. However, I failed to break the cycle and I am in this never ending loop again.
The difference since this last year is that I stopped writing texts. I’ve stopped complaining and I don’t ask about your past. Seems to work well with you but is this sustainable? You run away from discussing the past with me but you are still stuck somewhere in the past.
I have been devoted to you but you never were. How do I know now that you will be committed and keep up to it. What really changes now that was not there earlier. You say you are a changed person and the only explanation you could give in support of that was that you have accepted life and people around you as they are and that you have forgiven yourself for the past mistakes. Fair enough! What does that change for a woman who wants to be a part of your life?
I still find you counting all ailments and negatives of yours in front of me as if to scare me away from you. You still say the only goal for you is the completion of your son’s 5 years left of education. You still are waiting for my son to leave the nest for us to get together if we ever have to. You still run away from the past and don’t discuss with me why this cycle is repeated and what makes you come back and with more commitments than the previous time, each time. What is your explanation of still staying in close connection with people from the past who ideally should have left your life by now.
You had said long time back that there were 3 women in your life who have every right on you, one who gave you birth, second who gave birth to your son and then the third who lent you so much money that you can’t repay in your lifetime! I am obviously none of them. So….What position do I hold in your life……is it after all your close relations of the past, then your job and your boss, your personal goal which I still don’t know about….or am I nowhere in your list and hence when you are bored of everything else, you suddenly think of adding some fun in your life and you turn again towards me.
You said you felt I am conflicted!! Really? What else do you expect?