Loneliness

My Letter to you – Part I

I can’t decide where to start from.

So since last night was the first of its kind, let me start with that.

I could never have expected you to offer yourself to look after me or be with me while I am sick in the hospital, especially after all that has been going on between us. You gave me love, care, affection…everything that I needed since years in just a night.

The best part of this whole episode was that you followed up, wrote back, kept following through this time, rather than walking away once and then gone for months, leaving me confused and baffled.

You don’t talk much mostly whenever we meet and if you do, the conversations are incoherent, one sided and mechanical. I keep listening even then and also when at times talk meaningful things like last night. I listen intently but I have a need to talk too. You don’t let me comment on anything, stop me midway saying this would lead to an argument. It has always been a one way communication which can’t ideally be called communication.

So my need to share and talk remains unsatisfied and it manifests itself through long messages that I write to you, once you leave. And they keep pouring one after another as my answers to all your comments and statements. So while I patiently hear you, you don’t have the stamina to take my answers even through texts. You complain and you get frustrated and you misunderstand them because again it’s a one way communication and not the best way to interact.

Then you move away. And you’re gone for months with no interaction. Suddenly you emerge again out of the blue and from nowhere and we start this sequence all over again. You make promises to meet again, you offer to live together, you also start your one sided statements and it goes on.

I took a stance a year back and decided this should end and I did it. However, I failed to break the cycle and I am in this never ending loop again.

The difference since this last year is that I stopped writing texts. I’ve stopped complaining and I don’t ask about your past. Seems to work well with you but is this sustainable? You run away from discussing the past with me but you are still stuck somewhere in the past.

I have been devoted to you but you never were. How do I know now that you will be committed and keep up to it. What really changes now that was not there earlier. You say you are a changed person and the only explanation you could give in support of that was that you have accepted life and people around you as they are and that you have forgiven yourself for the past mistakes. Fair enough! What does that change for a woman who wants to be a part of your life?

I still find you counting all ailments and negatives of yours in front of me as if to scare me away from you. You still say the only goal for you is the completion of your son’s 5 years left of education. You still are waiting for my son to leave the nest for us to get together if we ever have to. You still run away from the past and don’t discuss with me why this cycle is repeated and what makes you come back and with more commitments than the previous time, each time. What is your explanation of still staying in close connection with people from the past who ideally should have left your life by now.

You had said long time back that there were 3 women in your life who have every right on you, one who gave you birth, second who gave birth to your son and then the third who lent you so much money that you can’t repay in your lifetime! I am obviously none of them. So….What position do I hold in your life……is it after all your close relations of the past, then your job and your boss, your personal goal which I still don’t know about….or am I nowhere in your list and hence when you are bored of everything else, you suddenly think of adding some fun in your life and you turn again towards me.

You said you felt I am conflicted!! Really? What else do you expect?

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Being a woman

Prepare your daughters

Biological and evolutionary causes led to the differences that are so prominent between men and women.

However, we are no longer in an era where women were only expected to be bearing and raising kids and taking care of families.

The evolution that has come about since the last century or two has changed the way of life of women. They are no longer confined to the four walls of the house but are out there working just like men in all fields. They too face tough bosses, challenging work environment, jealous colleagues, study hard for competitive exams, lead large teams and companies, stay out of home till late night, attend late night parties, entertain groups and teams, address large audience etc. Besides this, they still have families and kids and older people back home to look after.

We, as women, cannot then afford to be weak. We need multifold energy and strength. There are demons out there trying to pull us down. Many men can’t take a woman as a boss, many can’t manage a strong woman team player in their teams and feel threatened, thereby making life even more difficult for a working woman.

Hence, let’s start preparing our daughters from the very beginning, from the time she steps into school. Let’s teach her to solve problems rather than crying when something goes wrong. Let’s stand by them and with them but continue to guide them to take care of their own self. Let’s not encourage tears at the drop of a hat but strength and courage to bear small setbacks.

This would prepare them for a mammoth life that lies ahead of them full of surprises, chaos and burdens but with a smile, self confidence and strength.

Law of Attraction

The Magic in the Morning

I wish I could also capture the rain drops in this picture to complete the mesmerising effect of this morning for my readers the way I feel it.

The only thing different about this morning is that there is cool breeze and a soft drizzle that is making it even more blissful. Otherwise, I feel the magic in the air, something surreal about every morning.

This is the time of the day that I love the most and can’t miss it for anything. Early morning when people are not yet up from their deep slumber, the only sounds one can hear are of birds chirping or like today, the sound of rain drops and occasional mild thunder.

I enjoy this time sipping a hot cup of tea while reading or writing or taking a stroll through the potted plants and flowers.

The magic stays the same no matter where I travel. From Mid west to the East coast in the States, from North to the South of India, Singapore or the islands of Philippines. The Bounty of Nature is same everywhere.

Food and Wine

Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc 2017

Light green hue typical of a SB.

Aromatic but not so much as expected from a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc.

Fruity and floral aromas. Tastes of gooseberry and kiwi with grassy notes.

Dry and medium acidity, well balanced with a long zesty finish.

I had it in the warm weather of Singapore just by itself without any food pairing.

Loneliness

Phobia…..Anxiety…..Insomnia

Years of leading a life without a partner has made me develop strange phobias, anxiety and Insomnia.

I married a strange guy who left me and our two year old kid when he lost his job to start a new business, far away from where we lived…….in a different city, about 150 miles away. I was working in this city and he decided that I should continue to stay away until he finally settles down in his new business. That way, he didn’t have to bear the burden of a wife and child since he didn’t have a job! That arrangement was to last a few months which eventually became 14years!

He would come home as a visitor once a month but there was no plans of ever being back like a family. Any discussion around that led to quarrels and denial always. My job started paying very well and I kept growing in roles just as my kid grew up to be a smart young teenager of 16 years. His business apparently never did so well that he could either support us financially equally nor make us join him.

All these years of leading life alone, managing toughest of decisions alone, having lost my only parent also about 7years back, raising a kid who is extremely decent and well behaved and very good in his studies, there was nothing left for which I needed a husband now, except to be called a married woman despite being not literally having one next to me whenever I needed him.

I finally decided to separate from him and got divorced this month. The physical separation and negligence had made me get mentally disconnected from him too. I lost all affection over the years and became hardened. He didn’t even build a strong bond with the child who stays indifferent to whether his dad I there or not.

I have suffered from severe insomnia and anxiety. I was under a brief treatment with a psychiatrist just to get sleep. I couldn’t shut yet because of the perpetual loneliness. I developed phobias that someone will break into the house. The pills that I was given had sedation and as a result, I even hit a car while under the effect of sedatives.

That was the day I decided to have the will power, to not be dependent on pills to sleep. I didn’t have the right to NOT take care of myself and my Well being because I had a child and I was totally responsible for his upbringing and education. That will power has kept me going ever since.

I work out, eat healthy, sleep well, do my job very well and spend quality time with my son.

People say I’m a strong woman. No one knows that deep inside, there is a very weak heart. There is a perpetual longing to be cared and loved, there are still bouts of anxiety.

There is a shield around me which makes the inside invisible to others. No one knows that I still have this fear of someone breaking into the house at night, that I still lock my room from inside before I sleep……

Food and Wine

Sancerre Rose’ wine

I am pursuing a Wine Course and completed 2 levels, trying to prepare for the third level.

The passion for studying and knowing about wines is heavily ingrained in me now. I am reading about wines, tasting the wines of different countries, knowing the history of the wine countries which has a strong influence on their wine industry.

I felt I should my experiences with everyone who is interested to read and share their experiences and knowledge. I start with this Rose’ wine from Loire Valley France, which I happened to open recently.

I bought this wine from total wines on the suggestion of the wine experts there and also considering that I wouldn’t get this kind of unique Rose in India.

I was really hoping for a whiff of fruity aromas so characteristic of a Pino Noir as this one is a 100% Pino Noir. But the fact that it’s an old world wine, it is not an opulent wine. The nose and palate get a hint of anise and subtle grapefruit tang.

A completely dry wine with low acidity and the characteristic flint notes of Loire or Sancerre.

Perhaps a good wine for people who like bone dry wines with low acidity. For me, a white wine should have good acidity and would prefer it to be a bit off dry. I am still developing my taste and it seems I am eventually going to be a lover of New World wines…..more aroma, fruit forward ness and acidity.

Share your views and also your preferences of wines. Would love to hear.

Loneliness

Mom was no more

It was a normal day until 11am at least! I had woken up at 6am, had sent my child to school and had finished the early morning chores at home before going to the gym.

It was only just after getting out of the gym at 11am or so that I had an uncanny feeling and a strange uneasiness in my heart. My mind just raced to mommy’s thoughts and I dialled her cell phone. There was no reply.

She had just gone back to her empty house after staying with me for 2 weeks. The house had been locked for 6 months as she had gone to spend some time with my brother before coming to me. I don’t know what premonition she had that she felt like meeting everyone. My ex husband, my brother and son and me. As if she wanted to pass on her blessings to everyone.

She had called me from my brother’s house barely 4months ago and had said, “I have a feeling I won’t live for long now!” She had insisted on returning to her own house and had spent 2 weeks with me before going back.

When she didn’t answer her phone, I had this clear vision somehow. Something inside me said that when she had called a day before, she sounded disoriented. She was hale and hearty when she left my house but something came over her after reaching her house. I called the neighbours to help me trace her or ask her to call me back. The neighbour was in some hospital and asked me to wait till he returned home. I was tired and sleepy and felt like dozing off. I felt as if it was a last moment for me to sleep before what seemed long days and nights that lay ahead. Something was so heavy on my head and heart that I couldn’t carry that load and dozed off for a couple hrs.

I was woken up by a phone call from mom’s neighbour saying they found my mom lying on the floor in the house! My immediate response was, “Rush her to the hospital” and the response from the other side was….”she is no more”!

It was my premonition since morning but it was also hers that brought her back to her house where she had always wanted to take her last breath. Not just that, the few days she spent back at her place, she had withdrawn money, good amount of money, and had left it in her locker…..for me to find…because she had always spoken about her own money to be used for her last rites!!

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